The biggest question LPL left me with was: "What difference would it make if I pulled an all-nighter on the first day of a race?" Mostly because there's probably a big mental advantage to it. Next to that, all the all-nighters I have done so far were always at a later point in the race, and therefore probably less efficient. So, time for a test under different circumstances!
I made a 691 kilometre route, would leave home as soon as my LPL race report was finished. I would keep cycling for as long and far as I could. All I had to was be home before 20:30 on Sunday. I planned the route to go along plenty of train stations in the Netherlands to make sure I had enough escape options.
The plan was to start 'fresh', cycle through the night (including naps if needed), and see what the difference would be, in both distance and lived experience. Next to that, I also thought that the things I struggled with during LPL are best learned by just doing more of this type of rides. Of course, that doesn’t mean I should do something like this every weekend, but I think I also shouldn't limit myself to only having to deal with these issues when I'm actually in a race. Great plan, right!?
I still think so. But the plan also taught me an unexpected bonus lesson: After a week filled with big emotional situations and frustrations, doing something difficult on a bike while being sleep-deprived... not the best idea.
As I was cycling my mind's response to difficulties on the road (and difficulties in my mind itself) was now by default shaped by annoyance and active suspicion of failure. While, in the past few years, I've worked very very hard for that default response to be grounded in patience and kindness. I was aware of it happening, and I managed to counter a lot of the negative thoughts with warmer sentiments. But, unfortunately, the positivity wouldn't stick. It turned into a constant battle with my own thoughts that I couldn't win.
By the time I realised my fate was sealed on a steep 7 kilometre climb, I was already on the road for 260kms and deep into the forests in Germany. I did my best to accept my mood – because getting annoyed by getting annoyed is one big fat cluster fuck (🤡). All I had to do was keep pedalling. I tried to nap in bus stops twice during the night, but also failed at this twice. I couldn't get my mind and body to calm down enough to actually fall asleep.
"I'm having a bad day and it's okay" eventually started to turn into "I'm having a bad and it's okay, but I'm also very tired". And, well, a while into that, you (or I?) just start thinking about how nice it would be to actually be going to sleep. A bit later, every patch of grass next to the road looks like something that could possibly be a nice bed. But at this point, you still know that sleeping is only going to slow you down more. I was still on schedule for making it to the train from Roermond to Utrecht on time, so pedalling was absolutely still the best thing to do.
I was doing pretty well: I found it easy to keep going despite feeling miserable, I planned my re-supplying adequately, and covered more than 400 kilometres in 24 hours. Until around 13:30 I just snapped. There were only 85 kilometres left to Roermond. A distance that usually wouldn't 'scare' me, even if I was tired. But I had no idea how to do it now. I found a nice – self-interpreted – grass bed on the side of the road. A quick restart of the brain should do the trick, I thought. As I was dozing off, someone asked me loudly if I was doing okay. Bang. Wide awake. And now suddenly with a headache.
I closed my eyes again, but since I was now afraid every person cycling by would suddenly check on me, I quickly knew I wasn't going to get any more rest in this spot. As I cycled on, the headache got substantially worse. It got so bad it started to turn into a migraine, and I could feel the nausea, that (for me) usually comes with it, come up. I tried to throw up to temporarily relieve myself from the pain, but it didn't help as much as I'd hoped. About 5 kilometres of cycling later, I threw up again - this time involuntarily - and I knew I was never going to make it into the Netherlands within a reasonable amount of time. I tried for another nap and another 5 kilometres of cycling, but things were absolutely not improving. Feeling a little defeated, I booked a hotel.
Sad!! I hoped I would at least be able to make it to 500, but better luck next time, I guess. I'm used to these migraines being related to my menstrual cycle, but it's been quite a while since I've had one of those 🤡 My IUD doesn't seem to be doing its job like it used to. Which, apparently, is nothing out of the ordinary, but something I'm going to have to find a way do deal/work with.
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